The Maan on Somali Pirates

We have all watched the news, read about how three guys in a boat not much bigger than a zodiac have been holding some poor dude from Vermont hostage who was piloting a supertanker off the coast of Somalia. The amount of money (and news coverage) that has been spent rescuing this one dude is utterly monsterous. And the scene is fairly laughable...can you imagine this one little boat floating in the West Indian Ocean, surrounded by a fleet of warships, American and otherwise, while the leadership debates how to disable the four, yes that's FOUR people holding him hostage on the tiny boat? It's a scene out of Hot Shots Part Tres. Finally, the four S.E.A.L.'s sitting on the U.S.S. Bainbridge with their sights trained on the boat for what was likely hours, gave three of the "pirates" (I'm not sure I can give them such a cool title) a third eye in the middle of their foreheads, prompting the third to exclaim "WTF!" and throw his hands up, surrendering immediately.

I'd like to offer the crew of the ship, the Shipping industry, the US Navy, the US Military, and the administration a few ideas on how we can more effectively and inexpensively deal with this burgeoning 'threat'.

1. For the ships: from what I understand, you are currently mitigating the threat by setting up watches, and when you see someone scaling up the side of the ship, you deploy a high volume hose and blast them with water....water? I suggest a far more medieval tactic. Lobby your employer to carry a pressurized container of sulfuric acid, and when you see ANY ship approach the ship, announce in the Somali tongue not to come any closer or they will be sprayed with toxic waste (since rogue nations are dumping that in their offshore waters, they will understand what that means). If they start up the ship, hit them with the hose then. When the guy above them on the ladder's face melts off, believe me, the next guy will back down the rope and hightail it out of there in a hurry.

2. For the industry: Ok, you guys have had it good for awhile. A ship that used to take a whole 100 men to man, due to improvements in portside automation, now has a crew of 20 dudes. And with a total ship salary a year of about two million a year, and the possibility of having to pay millions more in ransoms, can you really say you can't throw a dozen or so security folks onboard that are professionally trained to graze the pubic hair off a mountain goat at hundred yards, and have an intricate SOP for defensive perimeters and a repel boarders plan that consists of something more than "lock yourself in the 120 degree engine room". Despite the brigands claims that resistance is futile, any business plan's viability is defined by the probablility of negative returns and the ability to recruit and maintain a labor force that is willing to do the job at reasonable rates of pay. As you will soon find out if you don't open your pocketbook and spend some money on proper security, your labor cost increases dramatically and it is more difficult to find employees when there is a very likely chance that doing your job will most likely end your life inside of the next week. Since you cannot bring weapons into many ports, I suggest one of the private army companies set up shop in international waters and offer an "insurance policy" in the form of armed commandos aboard ships that can be helo'ed off just before they pull into port...I hear Starkwood is available, you may want to give them a call...I also recommend a "batphone" that you can pick up when you are being boarded to alert Washington or wherever your home country is...

3. For the US Navy: You have claimed that the area in question is almost impossible to defend, because it is almost a million miles of water that must be covered. Last time I checked the coastline of Somalia is not a million miles long. It can't be much longer than the coastline of the US from New Hampshire to Florida. That distance is only 2600 miles (I know, I've driven it). So the way I see it, if the majority of these attacks are coming from Somalia, would it make sense to just concentrate your efforts on a multinational picket fence just inside of the fuel range of these small vessels, and tell all traffic they have to stay outside of this fenceline . Then let those billion dollar radar systems on the Aegis Cruisers and Frigates do the rest until the pirates give up due to futility. If they are pulling into Somalia (the biggest welfare state I have ever witnessed), then they need an escort from their host nation. I should start a maritime consulting company.

4. For the US Military: I'm not sure if you have watched 24 lately, Joint Chiefs Chairman Admiral Mullen, but I am sure you must be aware that we have the ability to determine if these pirates have a soriasis condition on their scalps if we needed to if we can get a satellite trained their position. Between radar monitoring and satellite coverage, we should be able to get a lock on one of these groups when they go home. Once you know where they live, the solution is just a tomohawk away.

5. For the Administration: Invasion. We already know which ports that these retards operate out of, and with the satellites help from the point above, we can actually pinpoint where they are going to and from. With the scale down of the war in Iraq, there are probably teams of CIA guys that would fall all over themselves to sit and watch satellitle tapes finding out where the ships are coming from and going to. then we just 'relocate' the special forces element of the troops in Iraq along with a Marine Brigade or two to sanitize those ports. Worried about diplomatic fallout? Don't have to, Somalia doesn't even have a formalized government that can protest. And with the loss of millions of tons of feed grains and other supplies for the impoverished nations of Somalia and/or the millions of dollars spent in ransoms to free that grain, even Bono at this point is saying "Would someone just take those mother fuckers out?".

The most bizarre thing about this whole situation is that this isn't even a national security threat to the US, it is a national security threat to Somalia!. In essence, they are starving their own people, because it won't take long before companies just refuse to go anywhere near that shithole, starving people or not.