The Maan on Somali Pirates

We have all watched the news, read about how three guys in a boat not much bigger than a zodiac have been holding some poor dude from Vermont hostage who was piloting a supertanker off the coast of Somalia. The amount of money (and news coverage) that has been spent rescuing this one dude is utterly monsterous. And the scene is fairly laughable...can you imagine this one little boat floating in the West Indian Ocean, surrounded by a fleet of warships, American and otherwise, while the leadership debates how to disable the four, yes that's FOUR people holding him hostage on the tiny boat? It's a scene out of Hot Shots Part Tres. Finally, the four S.E.A.L.'s sitting on the U.S.S. Bainbridge with their sights trained on the boat for what was likely hours, gave three of the "pirates" (I'm not sure I can give them such a cool title) a third eye in the middle of their foreheads, prompting the third to exclaim "WTF!" and throw his hands up, surrendering immediately.

I'd like to offer the crew of the ship, the Shipping industry, the US Navy, the US Military, and the administration a few ideas on how we can more effectively and inexpensively deal with this burgeoning 'threat'.

1. For the ships: from what I understand, you are currently mitigating the threat by setting up watches, and when you see someone scaling up the side of the ship, you deploy a high volume hose and blast them with water....water? I suggest a far more medieval tactic. Lobby your employer to carry a pressurized container of sulfuric acid, and when you see ANY ship approach the ship, announce in the Somali tongue not to come any closer or they will be sprayed with toxic waste (since rogue nations are dumping that in their offshore waters, they will understand what that means). If they start up the ship, hit them with the hose then. When the guy above them on the ladder's face melts off, believe me, the next guy will back down the rope and hightail it out of there in a hurry.

2. For the industry: Ok, you guys have had it good for awhile. A ship that used to take a whole 100 men to man, due to improvements in portside automation, now has a crew of 20 dudes. And with a total ship salary a year of about two million a year, and the possibility of having to pay millions more in ransoms, can you really say you can't throw a dozen or so security folks onboard that are professionally trained to graze the pubic hair off a mountain goat at hundred yards, and have an intricate SOP for defensive perimeters and a repel boarders plan that consists of something more than "lock yourself in the 120 degree engine room". Despite the brigands claims that resistance is futile, any business plan's viability is defined by the probablility of negative returns and the ability to recruit and maintain a labor force that is willing to do the job at reasonable rates of pay. As you will soon find out if you don't open your pocketbook and spend some money on proper security, your labor cost increases dramatically and it is more difficult to find employees when there is a very likely chance that doing your job will most likely end your life inside of the next week. Since you cannot bring weapons into many ports, I suggest one of the private army companies set up shop in international waters and offer an "insurance policy" in the form of armed commandos aboard ships that can be helo'ed off just before they pull into port...I hear Starkwood is available, you may want to give them a call...I also recommend a "batphone" that you can pick up when you are being boarded to alert Washington or wherever your home country is...

3. For the US Navy: You have claimed that the area in question is almost impossible to defend, because it is almost a million miles of water that must be covered. Last time I checked the coastline of Somalia is not a million miles long. It can't be much longer than the coastline of the US from New Hampshire to Florida. That distance is only 2600 miles (I know, I've driven it). So the way I see it, if the majority of these attacks are coming from Somalia, would it make sense to just concentrate your efforts on a multinational picket fence just inside of the fuel range of these small vessels, and tell all traffic they have to stay outside of this fenceline . Then let those billion dollar radar systems on the Aegis Cruisers and Frigates do the rest until the pirates give up due to futility. If they are pulling into Somalia (the biggest welfare state I have ever witnessed), then they need an escort from their host nation. I should start a maritime consulting company.

4. For the US Military: I'm not sure if you have watched 24 lately, Joint Chiefs Chairman Admiral Mullen, but I am sure you must be aware that we have the ability to determine if these pirates have a soriasis condition on their scalps if we needed to if we can get a satellite trained their position. Between radar monitoring and satellite coverage, we should be able to get a lock on one of these groups when they go home. Once you know where they live, the solution is just a tomohawk away.

5. For the Administration: Invasion. We already know which ports that these retards operate out of, and with the satellites help from the point above, we can actually pinpoint where they are going to and from. With the scale down of the war in Iraq, there are probably teams of CIA guys that would fall all over themselves to sit and watch satellitle tapes finding out where the ships are coming from and going to. then we just 'relocate' the special forces element of the troops in Iraq along with a Marine Brigade or two to sanitize those ports. Worried about diplomatic fallout? Don't have to, Somalia doesn't even have a formalized government that can protest. And with the loss of millions of tons of feed grains and other supplies for the impoverished nations of Somalia and/or the millions of dollars spent in ransoms to free that grain, even Bono at this point is saying "Would someone just take those mother fuckers out?".

The most bizarre thing about this whole situation is that this isn't even a national security threat to the US, it is a national security threat to Somalia!. In essence, they are starving their own people, because it won't take long before companies just refuse to go anywhere near that shithole, starving people or not.

The Maan on the Bailout

Recent events have forced the Maan back on print, and the topic of my distress is the Financial Bailout. This so-called requirement will keep us from somehow collapsing as an economy and devolve into some kind of post apocalyptic wasteland where people are hunted for food and the only currency is water. Or at least that is what the proponents of this $700 million dollar waste of YOUR money and further tool to degrade the value of our dollar will have you believe. Up to this point, I thought that carte blance handouts were reserved for the opportunistic low income crowd in this country that have come to feel that you don't actually have to work to make a living. It seems Wall Street has caught on....

You see Wall Street is doing what the welfare fraud crowd has known for years...if you make yourself enough of a burden on society, eventually someone will pay up. And pay up we are..to the tune of $700 million dollars.

Back in the old days, you know, during the ideals of free market economy, companies that completely botched their business plan, abandoned all semblances of risk management and generally fucked away every last dollar in their pockets with over-inflated executive salaries and over the top stadium sponsorship deals (ok, they didn't have stadium naming rights in the old days, but you get my drift), met the fate of so many before: bankruptcy and extinction. And that was a GOOD thing. Companies with dangerous operating practices and sloppy balance sheets were replaced or bought and revamped into more lean, sensible versions of their predecessors, and despite a few tough years of adjusting, the economy was able to press on, with the memory of what not to do fresh in its mind.

But Senate and the administration has caved into the NOW crowd and taken all that necessary pain away, leaving none of the concerned parties with the welts of a financial thrashing that would teach them the lesson to never let this disaster happen ever again.

And the reasoning behind this package was nebulous. I almost laughed out loud when I heard one newscaster say, "Imagine if one day you went to use your credit card and your credit card company had shut it down?" Holy shit! What the hell would we do then? We might actually have to spend the money we actually EARN instead of spending tomorrow's dollars today, money there is no guarantee we will have. What a catastrophe! I would actually have to go to Target instead of the Mall once in awhile, and even then I'd have to pass on a few wants to make sure I got what I needed..like a ...like a budget or something ::gasp!!::

Some would say our credit dependence and abuse is what has got us to where we are in the first place...just charge up your cards, get a 100% LTV mortgage that will double in five years, leverage all the equity in the house you have owned for 10 years to payoff cards, then charge them up again...got to have that 50" plasma TV even if I can't really afford it. And we don't save a dime for the rainy day either. I am always (or actually less so as it happens more frequently) shocked when one of my low income tenants paying $600 a month gets evicted and when I show up they are loading their 50" TV, DirectTV satelitte dish, Xbox 360 with a suitcase full of games, three bikes and enormous wardbrobes of clothes into their Ford Expeditions. And the reason they couldn't pay? They got hurt, had no insurance, had to pay a $1000 medical bill and didn't get paid for time they were out. Nothing that a 26" standard tube TV with basic cable, bike from the thrift shop and used reasonable car wouldn't have fixed. And you can translate this example into any wealth class by simply raising the ante on the what they haves vs. what they should have boughts.

We have been programmed to spend what we don't have, and the credit card companies and mortgage backers that have irresponsibly let us do it are now paying the price...but they are not really, are they? Of course not, because here comes the government and the FED dishing out all our hard earned dollars to dig them out of the hole they created by unconscionable business practices instead of letting those companies be 'evicted' like my irresponsible tenants and be replaced by smaller hungrier companies with sounder financial principals. And one can only hope that money goes where it will actually have an impact, and not into the next contract renewal for the Carolina Panthers stadium naming rights or a signing bonus for the next jackass CEO.

The Maan ponders his next child's name

Recently read an article in which a judge in New Zealand stripped the parental rights of two morons that named their child something so ridiculuous that the magistrate overseeing the custody case felt obligated to take the child into court custody with the object of renaming the child before resuming the custody case. I am not sure I get it, New Zealand...haven't you been tuning in to the Hollywood set and their penchant for crazy baby names? Get with the program, Judge Kiwi, naming your child Moxie Crimefighter (Penn from Penn and Teller), Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee), or Spec Wildhorse (John Mellancamp) is all the rage, why should Joe and Josephine Six Pack (that's not their real name) miss out on all the fun?

Inspired by the Moxie of all the Hollywood elite and their crazy baby name competition, I've decided to start thinking now of what my next baby's name should be...so here goes:

I think that fruit is always a postive baby name, it gives off the impression that the child is sweet and delicious. When they grow to adulthood, they are prime candidates to work the pole, but hey, I'm thinking about ME and MY artistic expression here....I think to toughen up the fruity connotation, you can match that name up with some kind of Superhero related complement, such as---

* BANANA KRYPTONITE
* GRAPES CYCLOPS (also helps if your child is born with only one eye)
* CANTALOUPE DARK KNIGHT
and in honor of the New Zealand Case, KIWI GANDALF

You can also go the route of names that have some kind of bizarre title using the two names together, my favorites here are---

* CLOSET MECHANIC
* LEGAL JANITOR
* WELDING PODIATRIST

You can also go with a name that is not really any kind of word at all, or some kind of strange foreign word that no one really understands...here I think I would go with:

* NEX SUPERNE
* ROYKENDE SLAGJOBB
* VICTORUS PLATUNIUM

Or maybe you are a sick sports fan and want your kids name to forever remind you of your beloved team (your kid may burn your entire team memorabilia collection by the time he's 8, but hey, won't it be cute!)Some cool sports names might be--

* FAVRE LOCKER SMELL
* OCHO CINCO GOLD FRONTS
* BONDS HYPERDERMIC
* THE TRUTH GARNETT ALLEN

It's really very hard to narrow it down to just one of these many outstanding examples of name artistry. My kid will probably knife me in the back sometime through his or her mid thirties, but the attention I get when I introduce him and hear his name announced at the Little League Baseball game will be priceless....

The Maan on PETA killing rats!

Yes, you heard it right..PETA, or formally People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, probably the most ridiculous and annoying organization at the same time, KILLS RATS! You know, rats, those sentient beings with the pointy two front teeth and fur covered bodies. THEY KILL THEM. Not exactly the kind of behavior that you would expect out of an organization that objects to the use of chickens and cattle as food, the riding of bulls for sport, and the sacrifice of lab mice (and lab rats for that matter) to find cures to diseases that kill humans, with a multimillion dollar team of lawyers and wild-eyed crazed liberals. I mean, really, what is the difference between a rat and a mouse...I'll tell you what's the difference: one is smaller and looks a little cuddlier. In every other respect, their purpose in life and disease carrying capability is the same. I have it on very good authority from a qualified source that PETA regularly uses to have their building exterminated for rats, that rat poison is used to kill the creatures, instead of doing the PETA-esque thing, trapping them and releasing them into the wild, or at least into the factories of the meat packing companies that they detest in a terrorist effort to get them shutdown. Apparently, PETA will go the mat for any animal...unless it is crawling around their headquarters.

The Maan on NBA All-Star weekend and New Orleans

It was great to see a major event return to New Orleans again, that place is by far one of most radically fun places on the planet, and one of the only places where you can bring your wife so she can browse and determine what she wants her boobs to look like when she gets a boob job. Only place I have ever gone where a very attractive set of $3 bead strings can make you the most attractive guy on the street. Truly, the French Quarter during Mardi Gras is a one-of-a-kind experience that everyone should have on their list of hundred things to do before they die. But before Katrina, have any of you ever been outside of the French Quarter? Aside from a few pockets of incredible antebellum homes, the place was an absolute cesspool of drugs and violent crime. And I mean VERY violent crime. I own rental property in some of the toughest neighborhoods of Norfolk, Virginia, so I am a little more thick-skinned about crime areas, and making a wrong turn in that city scared me to DEATH. The only time I ever purposely drove through a red light was about four blocks west of the Superdome...I pulled up to an intersection and made the mistake of looking one of the bandana-headbanded dudes on the corner in the eye as he was transacting with another gentleman. As I slowed, he started moving towards the street looking straight at me and placed his hand on his waistband. That was all I needed to violate City of New Orleans Traffic code and stepped on it, blazing through the intersection (which was dead as if it was 2 AM) about twenty miles over the speed limit. So with this in perspective, and I don't want to diminish the hardships of all the honest hard working people who lived in the cesspool alongside the thugs, thieves, drug dealers and the like, but was Katrina really that much of a tragedy for the City of New Orleans proper? Most of the hardworking homeowners probably had insurance and if they were responsible, had their property insured at the full value. The rest of the people were mostly low lifes and renters, who aside from their stuff getting trashed, didn’t lose anything tangible, and nothing at all if they were responsible and had renter's insurance. I am surprised we didn't hear more from the evangelicals about how Katrina was the 'cleansing hand of God, washing away the filth of a city of sin'. If I am a civic planner who always envisioned what the miles of New Orleans riverfront could be (see Charleston, SC and Hurricane Hugo), I am quietly pumping my fist in jubilation that the utter wasteland that was the ghettos of New Orleans was washed away in the matter of a few days. Lives lost, yes, an absolutely tragedy, homes and memories can't be replaced...but the real estate that existed in most of New Orleans should have been marked for demolition decades ago....Katrina has started a new age in New Orleans, and the dollars lost in the last few years, in my Maan-like opinion, will almost certainly be countered many fold times over with the revenue generated by taxes on the NEW New Orleans, the lessened requirement for one the most hazardous (and crooked) police forces in the country, and the tourism that will spring out of a well planned, historically based residential and commercial development effort. It is my guess that although outwardly the public officials bemoan the tragedies of Katrina, most of them are inwardly grateful for the good that came at a relatively low cost in the big picture.

The Maan on Global Warming

Thanks to Al Gore, we all now know that our extensive carbon footprint is eventually going to destroy our ecology, because of the prescence of evil greenhouse gases. You see, the Carbon Dioxide released by the use of so many devices and cars and search engines and light bulbs and...well you get the idea, is creating a huge thermal layer that is trapping all the heat coming off our planet and is essentially making the Earth's surface into a Russian Steam bath. So in order to avoid certain doom, we now have to buy cars that assist the use of fossil fuels with electric rechargable motors, put solar panels on top of our houses and use funky light bulbs that pretty much spell the death for old lamps with shades that used to grip the bulb. Wait....this sounds eerily familiar...didn't we have to stop using anything in a compressed can and stop buying styrofoam because it was creating this huge hole in the ozone layer which if it got any bigger would slowly turn us all into human sized KFC value meals? I've got a great idea....if we started using tons of hairspray again, and drank everything out of styrofoam possible, maybe all the hydroflorocarbons would open a hole in the greenhouse and let all the gases out!!! Viva Big hair! Brilliant! I am definitely getting the Nobel for this one......

The Maan on Super Bowl Commercials

What has happened to the institution of the Super Bowl ad? I can remember a day when the ads WERE the Super Bowl, whether it was the Bud Bowl, seeing what those crazy Frogs and the Cameleon were going to do, the EDS herding cats commercial, all those Miller Lite ads like 'You can call me Jay' back in the 80's. Now we get to watch poorly written, idiot's excuse for humor ads with what I like to call 'dumbass shock value'. For example, let's take the Salesgenie.com ads. One of these has a commercial about Pandas running a bamboo furniture store trying to boost their sales so they call up a panda psychic and it tells them to call sales genie and to stop eating the bamboo furniture and next day they are rich. That's it? That's all you got Sales Genie? You just spent millions of dollars on a super bowl ad, and that is all you can muster? The reason I call these 'dumbass shock value ads' is that they are so fucking stupid that I remember them and therefore the company gets what they were looking for, exposure. The same goes for those Yellow Book ads with Carradine in them. Taco Bell was equally as DSV. The entire ad consisted of a couple dudes who walk into their workplace and a couple mariachi guys make them sit down to eat and they hit on a hot chick from the office. I am serious when I say that description may be funnier than the commercial. The only commercial that got a big thumbs up was the Etrade commercials with the infant that is talking about trading and pukes himself, and then later tells us how he used some of his profits to buy a clown, and how he underestimated how creepy it would be. Now talking babies, THAT's HUMOR!